Saturday, December 19, 2009

Open Letters

Dear Time,

I understand that it is your job to march on. I was hoping, however, that you could please stop marching across my face. You are making creases near the corners of my eyes, and one near my lip. This is very distressing to me. Please find somewhere else to make your mark. You are dismissed.

much thanks,
youthful bambi

Dear Cellulite,

I don't understand what your fascination is with my gluteus maximus. I workout several times a week, I run, I walk dogs, I do lunges and bridges and squats and dirty dogs until I can barely walk. I appreciate your loyalty, however I think it is time you find someone else's ass to dent. The hail damaged look just does not do it for me. I think you would be happier on a man's tushie. Really. Please cease and desist.

skinny me

Dear Southwest Airlines,

My daughter and I will be traveling soon to spend Christmas with Grandma. It would totally suck if we crashed. Please make sure all planes are in working order, terrorists are held at bay, and pilots are ready for work. I will handle contacting the google weather gods, you take care of everything else. 

hugs and peanuts,

Dear Google Weather Gods,

My daughter and I will be traveling soon. Please do not cause any of our flights to be canceled due to inclement weather. In addition, I would be much appreciative if the airports are not snowed, iced, or fogged in. Please do not send an ice storm to the area in which we are traveling. If the roads are too bad, I will be forced to stay indoors with my entire family for a full week. I do not think there is enough alcohol in Reno to overcome a situation this dire. 

However, in this same vein, we would love some wonderful, powdery snow at the ski resorts near Lake Tahoe.


Dear Wine,

Please be at my mother's house when I get there. I am sure that within minutes of my being near my sister I will need you. A lot of you. I love you so much. Please be there for me. If your friend di saronno amaretto were there as well it would be wonderful. I will sleep with both of you every night.

fermented grapes full of love,

Dear Dust Bunnies,

I think it is so sweet that you love to congregate under my bed and in the hall closet, as well as in any corner you can find. I understand that there is a great deal of discarded dog hair in your cult. I think it's wonderful that you will take in anything you find worthy... even my own hair. I would greatly appreciate it tho if you would remain out of sight when neighbors come to visit. Although I personally find you adorable, I feel that some of my less-than-neighborly neighbors will only find fault with me and my lack of housecleaning skills and place no blame at all on your pervasiveness. Please feel free to inhabit the basement storage areas as much as you desire, as well as any bedroom belonging to a child.

soft bunny blessings,
bambi (and thumper)



Cyndy said...

Dear Bambi: May all of your wishes come true! Tis the season...

Little Ms Blogger said...

Dear Bambi - Maybe the dust bunnies will adopt the cellulite and leave the house.

otin said...

Lunges, squats, and dirty dogs?

Should that make me tingly inside? hahaha!

I am sure that the plane will be fine. If I were on it, that is when you would have to worry.

If I do not see you, Merry Christmas and all that Jazz!

Funky Art Queen said...

I love all these letters. You are so damn funny girl! Love the one about the wine!!! HEEHEE Merry Christmas honey!

Matty said...

I like your straightforward direct approach. Make sure everyone and everything is on the same page. Sounds like you and I have similar type relatives. After so long, I've had enough too.

Boomka said...

Lol Please stop marching across my face. Ahhhhh. Do me a favor and let me know if anybody writes you back I'd be very curious to hear what they have to say.

Michel said...

What a great idea internet pharmacist!! You write to wine, I'll write to adderall. Maybe that will get it to come over here!!


spudballoo said...

waaah!! nuff said

Barb said...

Dear Bambi,
You didn't make it clear in your letter to wine that it is your OTHER sister that drives you to drink and that MY presence will actually make it merrier! Please be sure to make this distinction in the future lest I lose followers.
Not the OTHER sister

PS - I don't think wine will do it. Is there any Xanax on hand?

Brian Miller said...

chuckles...hope the weather gods are nice...they killed me this weekend...skiing? nice.

McGillicutty said...

Oh my sweet Bambilicious Bambadillio BamBamthankyoumam!!!!
Love the letters and hope you find enough alcohol in Reno to help you through the season, and I seriously hope you find a cure of cellulite.. it's contagious you know!!! Keep on dirty doggin' that's all I can say!!
loves ya.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Merry Christmas from our family to yours. I have an open letter but mine starts, Dear Dust Dinosaurs, I swear, I will never win that battle.

Hope the wine is flowing when you reach your Mom's house safe and sound.


Jaime said...

great letters. safe travels and happy holidays.

Betsy said...

Oh, you are SO funny! Yes...and no lost baggage either! :) Enjoy!

julochka said...

if that works on your dust bunnies, i'm so writing to mine...

Eidothia said...

Surprised that I havent landed on your page earlier, esp when I have been frequenting the same pages as you do! Possibly cos I wondered what would a Bambi do in the blogworld. Now I know, a Bambi cracks you up like no other :P


Lisa E said...

Seriously, what is up with those freakin wrinkles?? I truly want a "magic lift" for Christmas. Wrinkles=character they say; let me be boring and smooth.

Doc said...

Dear Bambi,

Damn I am glad I found your blog...!

Lissaloo said...

I hope you get all that, and please let me know if it worked I have some issues that need driven away too and if a letter will do it..... :) I am stopping by from Matty Thoughts to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Otter Thomas said...

I am tired of wrangling dust bunnies myself. I wish they would blow right out the door like a umbling tumbleweed.

Polly said...

I'm writing my letter to Google Weather Gods as we speak! I'm travelling tomorrow! I hope you got there alright

Happy Christmas!

Santa Claus said...

Ho Ho Ho!! Merry Christmas!! From me and my buddy Otin

You are such a Deer!!!

marinik said...

hey darlin... just stopped by to say happy x-mas to you, sending you hugs...peace...give love :)