Open Letters

Dear Time,

I understand that it is your job to march on. I was hoping, however, that you could please stop marching across my face. You are making creases near the corners of my eyes, and one near my lip. This is very distressing to me. Please find somewhere else to make your mark. You are dismissed.

much thanks,
youthful bambi

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Dear Cellulite,

I don't understand what your fascination is with my gluteus maximus. I workout several times a week, I run, I walk dogs, I do lunges and bridges and squats and dirty dogs until I can barely walk. I appreciate your loyalty, however I think it is time you find someone else's ass to dent. The hail damaged look just does not do it for me. I think you would be happier on a man's tushie. Really. Please cease and desist.

kisses,
skinny me

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Dear Southwest Airlines,

My daughter and I will be traveling soon to spend Christmas with Grandma. It would totally suck if we crashed. Please make sure all planes are in working order, terrorists are held at bay, and pilots are ready for work. I will handle contacting the google weather gods, you take care of everything else. 

hugs and peanuts,
bams

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Dear Google Weather Gods,

My daughter and I will be traveling soon. Please do not cause any of our flights to be canceled due to inclement weather. In addition, I would be much appreciative if the airports are not snowed, iced, or fogged in. Please do not send an ice storm to the area in which we are traveling. If the roads are too bad, I will be forced to stay indoors with my entire family for a full week. I do not think there is enough alcohol in Reno to overcome a situation this dire. 

However, in this same vein, we would love some wonderful, powdery snow at the ski resorts near Lake Tahoe.

Amen,
bambalance

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Dear Wine,

Please be at my mother's house when I get there. I am sure that within minutes of my being near my sister I will need you. A lot of you. I love you so much. Please be there for me. If your friend di saronno amaretto were there as well it would be wonderful. I will sleep with both of you every night.

fermented grapes full of love,
bambina

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Dear Dust Bunnies,

I think it is so sweet that you love to congregate under my bed and in the hall closet, as well as in any corner you can find. I understand that there is a great deal of discarded dog hair in your cult. I think it's wonderful that you will take in anything you find worthy... even my own hair. I would greatly appreciate it tho if you would remain out of sight when neighbors come to visit. Although I personally find you adorable, I feel that some of my less-than-neighborly neighbors will only find fault with me and my lack of housecleaning skills and place no blame at all on your pervasiveness. Please feel free to inhabit the basement storage areas as much as you desire, as well as any bedroom belonging to a child.

soft bunny blessings,
bambi (and thumper)

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