Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Rants and Rants

Yes Little Ms Blogger, I know it's supposed to be Rant and Rave Wednesday, but I am full of rants today so that's what you're gonna get. Go see LMB tho, she's got some good one's today.


dear mr zit,
I'm 39 years old, wth? Are you sure you're not looking for my teenagers? Seriously, get the eff away from me. And take your little bitch friend with you.

dear headache,
I didn't even have wine last night. Why the hell did you greet me so ignominiously this morning? You suck. Go away.

dear wine,
I'm sorry I couldn't imbibe yesterday. I had work to do. Tonight as well. Also, it's only 22 days until my cruise, and I'm sorry to say this to you, but you are full of empty calories. I know you like to be liked, just like me, but you are making me fat. Why can't you be calorie free like your friend water? then we could spend more time together.

dear armpit hair,
how many freaking times do I have to get you lasered? Take the freaking hint and quit growing! You are so freaking stupid.

dear pee,
I just don't get it. Why do you insist on running down the sides of the potty after my husband voids you? I know it's not his fault. It must be yours. Even tho that doesn't happen when any of the girls pee. Still, it couldn't be his fault... Please make an attempt to stay within the boundaries of the bowl. When I come into the bathroom and step on you at 2am it kinda pisses me off.

dear boobs,
I'm sorry you're feeling poorly lately, but do I have to tuck you into my pants every freaking day? Perk Up!!!

dear dust dinos,
I have people coming over this evening. Please go run and hide.

Whew... I think that's about it. Okay, let me think if I have some raves...

dear LMB,
I didn't follow the rules. But now it looks like I am following the rules. You rock.

dear new followers,
Hooray! Thanks a bunches.

dear life,
even tho I bitch, I guess you're okay. Stick around for a while. Maybe we'll have wine later...

What are you ranting and raving about today?


Amanda said...

The pee! This is an ongoing serious issue in our house. Funny how it isn't a problem the five days once per year that my husband is out of town. Hmmm. AND if you wait for them to clean it up your bathroom smells like a latrine.

I'm all riled up about pee now.

Matty said...

Sue, I've wondered about the zits too. Every once in a while, I get one even at my age. Makes me feel like a teenager again.

Where are you going on the cruise?

Tell the hubby to sit down to pee. I've been doing it for years. It's neater and no pee on the floor. He might gawk at the idea, but once he gets used to it, it will become second nature (just like it is with you ladies) and he won't even give it a second thought. Yes, I am saying this publicly. It's neater which means less cleaning required. Win Win for everyone.

Yep, if alcohol wasn't empty calories, me thinks it would be consumed more.

Anonymous said...

okay.. i couldn't stop laughing!! :D
thanks for perking up my day!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Ahhh I hate the pee issue too! It happens at my house! It drives me insane!

I hate zits, too.

and that wine has empty calories.

Great rants.

Fidgeting Gidget said...
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Fidgeting Gidget said...

You know what else drives me insane? When my blogger comment window decides to freeze up, so I hit post comment again, and then it posts three fucking times.

Brian Miller said...


i am guilty...though i do try to clean up...

hope your headache goes away...

zits...remember how bad those oxy pads felt as a teen. sorry, had a bad flashback.

Coffeypot said...

I'm more than ready for a cruse. We use to go on one every year, but haven't been in a couple of years. Maybe later this year. Where ya goin?

Jaime said...

totally jealous of the cruise. hope the headache goes away soon.

Dual Mom said...

I would sell a kidney to be going on a cruise.

And the pee on the toilet...yeah...pretty sure there are days I'd like to cut his penis off.

Jay said...

I've never seen anyone rant about armpit hair. Very original. LOL

I'm all about ranting at Facebook and my sinuses that are freaking killing me!

Other than that, I'm good.

tori said...

oh! I'm sooo glad you asked! because as you know, I can't say anything on my own blog or I get censored by the fam...
dear darling 15 y/o daughter, just because you're hormonal doesn't mean you're allowed to be a super b*tch!
dear hubby, stick to managing the people you are paid to manage! I don't get paid enough.
dear puppy, I need a vacay from you. You're starting to be not so cute.
Thanks Bambi! :) I feel better now.

McGillicutty said...

OMG.. Matty is right... my male person sits down but it freaks me out... seriously... and yes I am giggling uncontrollably a the fact I have just said that on the WWW!!!!!
wine equals chubby equals happy. just have some.. you're not going on a cruise to score some hot cabana boy.
let's play txt tennis again soon.. and have you seen my post today? you will adore it!!! hee hee

Little Ms Blogger said...

The pee thing in the middle of the night KILLS me! I want to wake him and just scream "CAN'T YOU FREAKIN TRY FOR TO MAKE THE BOWL" and then realize he could easily wake me at 5:15 a.m. when he has to get up and that isn't so fun.

The zit thing...didn't start with acne until my thirties, go figure.

gretchen said...

The pee thing - aaarrggh. The problem in my house is that I also have a 6-year old son, and they each blame each other. And every time I call my husband on the pee thing, he points the finger at the kid!

Joshua said...

I rant about work and traffic. And that not just on Wednesdays.

I'm raving over the fact that The Girl is progressing excellently with the potty training. Only two accidents over the last three days.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh man we have that pee issue in our house, too.

Thanks for the giggle - wait, it was at your expense, wasn't it? ;)

Lizzy and Elle said...

Well I almost have the same rants. What is with pee anyway?

btw, we think you are awesome and would like to invite you join our bloggers club

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I think I may have already said this, but, you're HYSTERICAL! I LOVE this post! Do you think you could come over to my house and repeat all of the above to my boobs, wine, zits, and armpit hair?

I say these same words to my wine, but it always talks back and says, "Joan, drink me and all will be well." Damn that wine, it's SO persuasive!!

Thanks for the laugh, have a great weekend!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Wait! Wine is empty calories? Hmmmmm?

Tracie said...

Rave: I finally got out of the house today.
Rant: I had to go to work.