Rants and Rants

Yes Little Ms Blogger, I know it's supposed to be Rant and Rave Wednesday, but I am full of rants today so that's what you're gonna get. Go see LMB tho, she's got some good one's today.

Rants:

dear mr zit,
I'm 39 years old, wth? Are you sure you're not looking for my teenagers? Seriously, get the eff away from me. And take your little bitch friend with you.

dear headache,
I didn't even have wine last night. Why the hell did you greet me so ignominiously this morning? You suck. Go away.

dear wine,
I'm sorry I couldn't imbibe yesterday. I had work to do. Tonight as well. Also, it's only 22 days until my cruise, and I'm sorry to say this to you, but you are full of empty calories. I know you like to be liked, just like me, but you are making me fat. Why can't you be calorie free like your friend water? then we could spend more time together.

dear armpit hair,
how many freaking times do I have to get you lasered? Take the freaking hint and quit growing! You are so freaking stupid.

dear pee,
I just don't get it. Why do you insist on running down the sides of the potty after my husband voids you? I know it's not his fault. It must be yours. Even tho that doesn't happen when any of the girls pee. Still, it couldn't be his fault... Please make an attempt to stay within the boundaries of the bowl. When I come into the bathroom and step on you at 2am it kinda pisses me off.

dear boobs,
I'm sorry you're feeling poorly lately, but do I have to tuck you into my pants every freaking day? Perk Up!!!

dear dust dinos,
I have people coming over this evening. Please go run and hide.

Whew... I think that's about it. Okay, let me think if I have some raves...

Raves:
dear LMB,
I didn't follow the rules. But now it looks like I am following the rules. You rock.

dear new followers,
Hooray! Thanks a bunches.

dear life,
even tho I bitch, I guess you're okay. Stick around for a while. Maybe we'll have wine later...

What are you ranting and raving about today?