Monday, August 10, 2009

Honest Scrap

Today I was trying to decide what I should write about. My last post was from 3 days ago, so really it's time for me to say something, but I'm lacking in inspiration. Then I remembered Otins blog from last week, the Honest Scrap Award. I figured if I couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say, I might as well spill some truths about myself. Some of these are pretty bad. Really. But, I grew up Catholic and I carry guilt around with me like so much baggage, maybe this will be cathartic. Or maybe I'll just be driven out of the blogosphere forever... I'm not sure. Just know that for some more than others, it was a long time ago, I was stupid, and so lucky there were no consequences to anyone other than myself...

The Honest Scrap Award rules are as follows:

* “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared!

* The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.

* The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.

* Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.

* Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them.

Here are 10 things some shocking, some not:

1. The story I tell of how I lost my virginity isn't true. Well, it is a true story, but it was the 2nd time, not the first. I don't like the first time. It doesn't suit me or my life. It's not who I am. I choose not to accept it. I don't like it, I don't think about it, and I don't talk about it. And pretty much, as far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. The way I tell it is how I want to remember it.

2. When I was in about the 2nd grade I wanted a candy lipstick from the 7/11 and my mom wouldn't buy it for me. I pretended like I put it back, but really I just put it in my pocket. You might think that I was young and didn't know any better, but I did know better. That's why I sat under the dining room table to eat it so my mom wouldn't see me.

3. I was a real shit when I was in junior high. I'm surprised my parents didn't ship me off to boarding school or something. By the 8th grade I was the kid that all the other parents wouldn't let play with their kids. Luckily I went to a high school where only a few people knew me and I had the chance to start over.

4. I had a summer of slutdom. It was after a particularly hard break-up and I sought solace where ever I could find it. Amazingly enough, I could find plenty of it. Also amazingly enough, it did nothing to mend my broken heart.

5. I learned the hard way that you couldn't buy love. I bought guys stuff all the time (dinner, a motorcycle, a car, paid rent, etc). They still left, and I was still alone. Sad thing is, I didn't learn after the first guy. Or the second.

6. My loser starter ex-husband and I had a very stormy marriage. He threw me across the room once and I forgave him. He did it a month later and I filed for divorce.

7. I have taken 2 dogs and 4 cats to the pound. I don't know if they ever made it out alive. It was several years ago, but I still feel horribly guilty. I volunteer at Hope Rescues as penance.

8. When #5 was in the 6th grade I slapped her across the face. Hard. I was so mad, and she just kept pushing and pushing. She told me I hit like a girl. I couldn't help but laugh.

9. I have been in and out of the shrinks office since junior high. I haven't been since 2005 and this is the longest I think I've gone without one. Most of the time I'm fine about it. But I have one obsession that I can't seem to shake. Although years of shrinking didn't get rid of it either, so maybe it's just a part of me.

10. I had worse things on here, but decided to take them off. Even I know that peoples tolerance has limits. Maybe I'm just an evil person.

Well... there ya go. That's who I am. I decided not to tag anyone because I don't know who wants to share dark secrets. So, please, take it and share so that I don't feel like I'm the only bad guy out there...


Otin said...

Umm, why would I think that you are a bad person? I never judge people by what they have done, with the exception of murder or other violent crimes against people. You seem like a pretty damn good person to me now!!!

B said...

You don't sound like a bad person to me! And it seems to me that you've learnt from most of these things, and that's what it's all about!
Thanks for the honesty! I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet!

Sara said...

My mother slapped my face once while I was around middle school age for saying something completely horrible to her. So hard that my ears rang for two days. Take solace in the fact that I knew, even then, that I had it coming. I don't blame her for it and your daughter probably doesn't either.

You seem like a wonderful person to me. The stuff above happens but it doesn't define you. :)

ttjenkins said...

Um, I've done worse but I won't admit it to anyone but you...and now that I know a few of your secrets I realize we have even more in common than I thought! Yikes. I love your post label btw.

Fidgeting Gidget said... I said the other day, I love your brutal honesty! And I don't think you're a bad person at all, we've all done stuff we may not be proud of, and lots of us (me included) aren't as brave as you to admit what we've done!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Oh, and I thought of a really gross and random pharm friday question...I saw an ad for one of those prostate shrinking medications on TV, Avodart, I think, and it says that women shouldn't take or handle it. Does that mean that if you dispense it you can't let any part of your skin touch it at all? What happens if you do touch it or if a woman were to take it?

Hit 40 said...

Why do you have to leave us hanging... you have an obsession? Worst than blogging?

I did the psych thing with my youngest about 6 years ago when he was in kindergarten. He had a coffee cup under his bed with some kind of liquid with a label that read "poison for mom" I KID YOU NOT!! The kid is a real piece of work. I do want to send him to boarding school. Just kinda pricey. I think he would have a blast there on his own. I might do it if I pay off my bills. Or, at least look into it. He has a heck of a high IQ maybe it could be free??? maybe I am just delusional!!!

Cyndy said...

I agree with other commenters. You are not terrible and you are not alone. I could admit to 75% of what you wrote (the "half" one being because for one of them I was not married). You are way ahead of the game because you can admit it (confessions can be good ~ the Catholics got that part right). And the way I look it is that we both had all of these experiences so that we could raise a bunch of good productive citizens. Our second chances. How else would we have known what to look for, expect, deal?

JW.BW said...

You are not a bad person. If I had a dollar for ever dark day I lived, I could tell um to take this job and SHOVE it!! I really do think that we learn SOMETHING from every experience we have, most of my lessons have been painful because generally I am careless and stupid, but hey, I am who I am... Some days I just shudder when I think of things I did as a teen and when I was in my early 20s. Whew.. like I've said before, I'm just glad its over. You arent a bad person, your just a real person and I'm glad!!!

Pastor Sharon said...

#1. You are not alone. I had a first that I choose not to include because it's not who I am either. If I talk about it, the guilt from it brings so much other baggage up that dont even match. It makes me look like a bag lady.
#2. You liked candy lipstick too? OMG! Loved those!
#3. Middle school/Jr. High is a sucky time to go through life. And, for me, my baggage was already being lugged around with my bookbags so I hated those years!
#4. I wonder how many people if they are really honest, could say they didn't have the moments of doing whatever it takes to mend a broken heart and fill that empty place!
#5. Gurl, I am so sorry you lost your money on those things!!!! WOW. . . you really did what you thought would reel them in! Do you buy gifts like that for your bestfriends? I'll be your bestfriend! (just being silly)
#6. YOU GO GIRL! 1st time his fault, 2nd time if you don't get out, yours!!!!! You did the right thing!
#7. I had to take a dog I loved dearly to the pound once. His behaviors would not allow me to keep him at home. The only reason I forgave myself was because, like a stalker, I kept calling to see if he was adopted out. He was. I'm hurtin' for ya.
#8. Bet she didn't push you around again!
#9. We could all use a shrink in our lives, at least once or twice. For some of us, quite a bit more.
#10. When you ask God to forgive you, he is divine and perfect. He can forgive and forget. that is lovely. AND. . . forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Your actions, moments in your life don't determine who you are unless you let them haunt you into it. (OMG!!!! I just sounded like my shrink! Too much therapy!)

otin said...

I am a good therapist and I am free!

rxBambi said...

Otin: How come when I click on your name I get a thingie saying your profile isn't engaged or something?

Sara: How come you don't have your email up so I can email you from your blog? Anyway, yes, my child and I have discussed it and she knows she was wrong. I just had to be *that* parent that smacks her kid...

FG: How come your email isn't set up either? And brutal honesty? Well that's me I guess. Also, remind me to answer your question on friday! It's a good one (and not gross at all)

rxBambi said...

JW: Your email isnt up either! Oh well. thanks for being glad I'm a real person. I definitely am one. My 20s were pretty bad. That's when most of that stuff happened (except the candy lipstick and jr high stuff of course!) But yes, definitely had an identity crisis at the time. My 30s have been wonderful tho :)

rxBambi said...

Otin: You are already my favorite shrink EVER!! Seriously. You rock.

kristine said...

oh dear. you're pretty bad. I've never done ANYthing as bad as ANY of those things.

Just kidding. I am no saint. And it I like that you stole a candy lipstick. I stole Hubba Bubba. It was impossible not to get caught though, of course. Pretty obvious when a 6 year old is chewing a fat old wad of hubba bubba.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

If you are a bad person, I'm horrendous. Seriously. So, ya know, we're both awesome. :) I had one of those loser abusive ex-husbands, too. It took me 2 years of putting up with the abuse (and blaming myself or figuring I deserved it) before I finally decided enough was enough. I can relate to a whole bunch of other stuff on your list, too! :)

darsden said...

Awesome Post, came here via Pastor Sharon and Otin's thank you for sharing and inspiring :-)

Michel said...

I may have to find another pharmacist. I have NEVER done any of those things - ever. I am such a better person than you.....

Okay, so maybe I also stole a dr. pepper bonnie bell lip gloss and pretty much did most of what you said and then some. There was one summer in college where I literally moved in with my best friend and bartended so that I could party with her and the others! We literally drank EVERY DAY of that summer. We set that as a GOAL.

My mother must be so proud right now.

Great post Pharmacist!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

I agree with Otin's first response and also believe that one's experiences makes them a more compassionate person.

You didn't kill anyone and I think the Catholic guilt (I know it well) has probably punished more than anyone else could (especially for stealing a candy lipstick).

Barb said...

I love you

Barb said...

But you could've invited me to go to Reno with you. She's my mother too, and I'm not "sadly blogless" either.

Mrs. Dreamer said...

OMG...there's way too much of me in your ten. Very scary, but I love the idea of showing your readers who you are. :)